Jasmine Birtles
Your money-making expert. Financial journalist, TV and radio personality.
Friend in Crisis? Here’s How to Help
Annie
22nd Oct 2024
If you have a friend in crisis, someone who is struggling with their mental health, it can be difficult to know what to do. People have so many reasons for reaching crisis point – money, family, breakups, poor overall health, to name a few – and it can feel overwhelming when you want to help but aren’t sure how. We’ve put together this guide for anyone who wants to help a friend in crisis.
MoneyMagpie is not a replacement for medical advice. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger of hurting themselves or someone else, call 999.
Put Yourself First
This might be a counterintuitive way to start an article about helping others, but it’s important to put yourself first. Like aeroplane instructions: put your oxygen mask on before helping others. When we’re at capacity, taking on other people’s struggles might be something we WANT to do, to help our loved ones, but burning yourself out means you won’t be in a position to be as supportive as you’d like.
Look after yourself first. Make sure you have the time or mental capacity to support someone through their challenges. If you feel you can’t, that doesn’t make you a bad friend. What you can do, however, is find some resources to point them towards that might help them while you get yourself into a better position before you help them. For example, a list of helplines or therapists at BetterHelp, charities who can offer financial or wellbeing support, or support groups for those going through similar things. This will make sure your friend knows you care, even if right now you can’t offer them more.
Ask What They Need
When we know someone is struggling, it can be tempting to try to take over. We might want to organise things for them, tidy their home for them, cook meals or offer financial support. But before you do things you THINK they need, ask.
What people really need isn’t always what they appear to need on the outside. What looks like disarray to you could be a comforting organised chaos to them. There will, however, be SOMETHING you can help with. There always is!
The way to find it, is to ask. If your friend is someone who never asks for things and doesn’t want to appear a burden, your form of asking might be a little more like telling. For example, if you know they could do with help getting fresh groceries in, call them when you’re at the shop. It feels less of a bother to people if you’re not going out of your way to help them, so if you’re already doing your shopping and happen to spot some great two-for-one deals, tell them about it!
Or, you might need to give the gift of time. This could be just sitting with your friend, or giving them time another way. If they are struggling to open their post, for example, offer to spend an hour going through it with them. Sometimes, just having someone there to incentivise the process of a task is all it takes to feel boosted.
Offer a Listening Ear
Sometimes, a friend in crisis just wants to talk. They don’t want you to find solutions or offer stories about your similar experiences. They just want to ramble, to vent, to let it all out.
This could be in person, on the phone, via text or email. Make sure you tell them you’re a safe space to say whatever they need, and that it won’t go beyond you (unless something they say leads you to believe they are in imminent danger of hurting themselves – then you seek medical help for them).
If you have someone in need taking up a lot of your time, which is causing you stress, set some boundaries. For example, if you get a text along the lines of “I need to talk”, but you’re busy, offer a different time. Say something like “I hear you, and I love you, but unfortunately right now I have some deadlines I need to focus on. Shall we talk tonight instead?”. This can be hard for someone in need to hear, but it comes back to protecting your own mental health while offering someone help. Sometimes, it can also help someone to spend a little more time processing their thoughts before you talk, too.
Of course, if you feel they’re in an emergency situation, suggest they contact 999 or call a helpline like the Samaritans. Remember: you’re not a trained therapist, so they shouldn’t treat you like a therapist on demand. Keep your boundaries and offer alternative solutions if needed.
Help Them Find a Therapist
Helping a friend in crisis isn’t just about listening or doing their groceries. Like we said above, you’re not a trained therapist – and even if you were, it’s not good to blur the boundaries of therapist and friend.
Help your friend in crisis to find a therapist that can help them. There are lots of ways to get help, which we’ve outlined in an article here. To summarise, they can talk to their doctor, call a helpline, or find a private therapist.
BetterHelp is an online therapy solution that matches people to therapists that help with a person’s specific types of issue, such as financial stress, family relationship dysfunction, breakups, or career stress. Prices are between £180-£280/month, making them accessible and affordable.
What we love about BetterHelp the most is that people can contact their therapist in a way that suits them best. That could be online video calls, emails, text messages, or phone calls – at times that suit the individual.
MoneyMagpie readers get 20% off their first month when they sign up with this link.
Act Long-Term
A very common thing happens when we see our friend in crisis: we support them through the worst, then go back to focussing on our own lives. However, mental health struggles can be a long-term rollercoaster – and friends will often not want to seem an ongoing burden. So, if you think they’re better, or they’re telling you everything is sorted – don’t take that at face value.
Spend time to check in with your friend on a regular basis. Ask how they are, invite them out for a coffee, send them silly memes: whatever your love language looks like between friends, make sure you’re continuing yours long after you think they’re ‘better’.
For example, many people will find that, when someone they love dies, there is an immediate outpouring of love and help. Once the funeral is over, however, it seems like you’re expected to go back to normal – but ‘normal’ without that person doesn’t exist anymore. And it’s in this time, in the months and even years after losing a loved one, that a friend in crisis might need to lean on you. So, remember to check in from time to time.
Useful Helplines
Here is a quick crib sheet of helplines for your friend in crisis.
The National Suicide Prevention Helpline runs 6pm to midnight every day on 0800 689 5652.
The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) has a website of resources, a helpline from 5pm to midnight daily on 0800 58 58 58 and a web chat and WhatsApp chat.
Childline supports children with suicidal thoughts or in tough domestic situations on 0800 1111.
Refuge operates the National Domestic Abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247 Monday to Friday 10am – 10pm.
Respect runs the Mens Abuse Helpline for male victims of domestic abuse, on 0808 8010 3027.
Galop operates the LGBT+ Helpline for LGBT+ victims of domestic abuse on 0800 999 5438
THANKS FOR THE INSPIRATION!
KIND REGARDS!
TEODORA,
25.11.2024
SOFIA
A REALLY GOOD IDEA!
FOR THE DOODLE AND ALL THE BEST FRIENDS!
KIND REGARDS,
TEODORA
25.11.2024
SOFIA